she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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