Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
