saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
