I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
