You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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