I think I am morally bankrupt
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
