He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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