Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
