ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
