k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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