so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
