i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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