Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
