i need an iv and a liver transplant
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
