he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
being pregnant is like rehab
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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