Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
