I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
