i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
