I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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