Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
