so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
