I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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