just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
