Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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