so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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