I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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