Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
