He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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