sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
