1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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