Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my sisters under your porch take her home
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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