hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
soo... how was my night?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
