I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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