Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
