ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
