Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
