we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
