I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
