i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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