glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
