I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
