there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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