Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
