the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
