bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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