just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
