the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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