so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
