I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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