It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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