If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
